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Applying Behavioral Principles in the home and family Clearly communicate your expectations to your children. Ignore inconsequential behavior. Selectively reinforce appropriate behaviors. Stop, then redirect inappropriate behavior. Stay close to your children.
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 Read detailed explanations, examples, and role-playing experiences in the parent's manual to raising children in a positive way, The Power of Positive Parenting. |
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| Strategy Four |
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Stop, then redirect |
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Occasionally, children will exhibit behaviors that simply can't be ignored. These are behaviors which left unattended can result in serious damage and harm to person and property. |
| I must emphasize again the importance of looking first for opportunities to positively reinforce selected appropriate behaviors. In 99 out of 100 cases, when this is done systematically and consistently, there will be little need to worry about inappropriate behaviors. |
| There will be no need for children to behave inappropriately if they are getting all the attention they need by behaving appropriately. Having said that, however, there still exists the probability that a child at some time will behave inappropriately to such a degree that it must be attended to. |
| When that's the case, first determine whether the behavior is a predictably reoccurring behavior or whether it is an unexpected, out-of-the-blue, behavior. It is important to make the distinction between these two kinds of behaviors since the approach you should use is different for the one than for the other. |
| Let's begin with the treatment of those rare, unexpected, out-of-the blue behaviors. Suppose that for no readily apparent reason one child uncharacteristically lashes out at another child either verbally or physically. Maintaining complete composure, but with firmness in his/her voice and a stern but controlled facial expression, the parent should immediately put a stop to the assault. Speaking in a therapeutic, understanding, relaxed manner, send the child to his room for a moment to cool off. You might even place your hand gently on the child's back and move him or her in the direction of the bedroom. |
| If the child resists this directness and angrily lashes back do not try to correct the child or set him straight. Don't say a single word in response to such an outburst. Say simply, "I'm sorry you're upset about something. Go to your room and relax. You'll feel much better soon." |
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Such a response will reassure the child that he or she might indeed have a reason for having lashed out at the other child. With this reassurance, the probability is very high that the child will go to his room as instructed by the parent, and the whole matter will end there. |
| If the child who was the object of the assault complains about being the innocent victim of a mean brother/sister, the parent should be careful not to try to determine or affix blame, to act as a negotiator to seek redress, or to do anything else to try and set the record straight. Efforts of this nature invariably do nothing but complicate things and drag the conflict on indefinitely. Simply say, "I'm sorry you feel you've been an innocent victim. You'll feel better soon." Then leave it at that. |
| Later, when everyone is feeling better and emotions have calmed down, look for opportunities to selectively reinforce appropriate behaviors. At such a time, it is also appropriate to discuss feelings, but DO NOT allow that discussion to degenerate into fault finding, searching for fairness, placing blame, and all that junk. Use the discussion to clear the air, develop skills, and build bonds. |
| Never try to resolve a problem if a person is drunk, stoned, emotionally distraught, or out of touch with reality. |
| When the same, even predictable, inappropriate behavior is occurring, parents can effectively attend to that behavior. First, describe the behavior. Descriptions like "you are too mean," "you''ve got to shape up," etc. are not acceptable. You must be very specific, such as "We've noticed during the last two weeks, that almost daily, you have gotten very angry with your brother. Why are outbursts of anger so inappropriate?" Don't ask why he is angry, rather why such outbursts are inappropriate. This invites the child to become part of the problem-solving process. |
| The child will usually try to blame someone else, minimize the problem, or sidetrack the conversation. Ignore those attempts. Acknowledge any appropriate response and then describe the desired alternative behavior. Ask about the things he/she can do that will show self control in stressful situations, and why that is desirable. Supply the reason if none is forthcoming. |
| Role play a situation, which is practicing the desired behavior. |
| Give positive feedback. And then watch for opportunitities to acknowledge not only the child' s self control but other positive things as well. Keep the conversation short, use only a few words, be understanding but firm. |
| 1. Say something positive. |
| 2. Briefly describe the problem behavior. |
| 3. Describe the desired alternative behavior. |
| 4. Give a reason why the new behavior is more desirable. |
| 5. Practice the desire behavior. |
| 6. Provide positive feedback. |
| This procedure works really well in school and home settings. |
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