Correcting

Undesired

Behavior

with positive results
 

Sibling rivalry, though one of the classic age-typical behaviors of children, drives parents up the wall. Between the friction it causes and the upsetting effect it has on the family, it persists as a major concern of parents. When we study sibling rivalry we observe a couple of things that are important for parents to keep in mind.

First, it is characteristic of virtually all children. Pleasant, obedient kids fight with their brothers and sisters just as do unpleasant, disobedient kids. It's as much a part of growing up in a family setting as getting taller, have acne, and being worried about being accepted by the peer group. It is one way by which kids learn how to survive in society. It helps teach them what they can and cannot get away with. Remember, children are in the process of becoming civilized. As children, they are generally--yes, even basically-selfish. They tend to be insensitive to the feelings of others. Name calling, fighting, insulting gestures-you name it-are all part of the syndrome. But like tantruming, we parents tend to give these kinds of behaviors far, far too much attention.

Secondly, running through our minds while our children are fighting with one another are visions of kids who, as adults, will behave toward others in society as they behave toward their siblings. These visions of despair are for the most part unwarranted.

There are some things we as parents can do to keep sibling rivalry within a tolerable range. You are not going to completely eliminate rivalry among siblings unless you completely eliminate the siblings.

Here are five rules that, if learned and skillfully used, will have a powerful and positive effect on the quality of life in your home.

1. Ignore inconsequential behavior.

Most sibling rivalry is age-typical behavior, most of which can and should be ignored. If left alone, it will likely just go away in time. It's something we all grew out of-or at least most of us!

2. Remain calm and composed but direct when you must intervene.

Sibling rivalry must be attended to only when it becomes cruel, abusive, or threatening to a child's normal, healthy development.

3. Teach appropriate social skills.

When attending to sibling rivalry, be certain that you maintain complete self-control, and that you use consequences that are important to the children to help bring behavior under control. It is up to you to manage those consequences and let them do the talking for you.

4. Apply consequences.

If what you are inclined to say and do is not likely to make things better, don't say it and don't do it. If you feel uncertain about what to do, if you feel unable to deal with the situation calmly and reasonable, if your ability to be in control is compromised, then just walk away, We know that when people are extremely angry, emotionally upset, drunk, stoned, or so on, it is very unlikely that a parent will be able to have a positive effect on things. It is better to wait for things to cool down and to let consequences do the talking.

5. Acknowledge appropriate behavior.

Be constantly on the lookout for opportunities to have positive interactions with your children when they are behaving together nicely. If you have a tendency to allow these opportunities to get away from you, you might want to keep a record or put little prompts up around the house to remind you to say nice things to your children. These help us measure and pace our behavior.

Product References

Find more detailed examples, role-playing, experiences, and explanations in audio, visual, and printed media on our Products page..

The Power of Positive Parenting (book); pp 273-282

Parenting Prescriptions (audio); tape: vol 1, side 2